Collapse
by autumnsbliss
Summary: When she looked into Sonny's eyes, she knew that some day that darkness would dissipate. Because only light could drive out darkness, and finally allowing herself to love and to be loved was like turning on the light in a dark room.


_A/N: (Very loosely inspired by one of my favorite songs of all time: "Collapse" by Vancouver Sleep Clinic)_

* * *

There used to be an old oak tree that stood tall in the backyard of Amanda's childhood home. It was probably still there, she presumed, but it had been so long since she had been there that she almost couldn't picture it.

Regardless...that tree stood at the center of countless memories she had kept with her as she grew up. She could remember summer afternoons spent clambering up to its highest point with Kim in the Georgia heat, rough bark scraping the soles of her bare feet as its sturdy branches dipped just slightly beneath her weight. She could remember her mother warning them to be careful…that — no matter how sturdy a branch may have seemed — it would eventually collapse if it was holding more weight than it could bear. In particular, she could remember the day that the branch that she and Kim had both attempted to use to boost their way up higher into the crown gave out beneath them as they tumbled to the ground in a giggling heap.

Lately, she had been feeling like one of the branches in that old oak tree: threatening to collapse with the weight of each struggle or tragedy or trauma that had been seeming to pass through her life on a daily basis.

Maybe it had all started with Dr. Alder…with learning that someone who she'd admired was not at all who she'd thought he was. Or maybe even earlier…with Carisi leaving for the DA's office.

No...she thought...it wasn't fair to blame Sonny. Not when he had essentially been the only thing holding her together since the incident with Detective Bucci. He had always been a good friend, and she knew that, but he had truly been everything she could have asked for in the wake of being held hostage at gunpoint…not knowing if she was going to be leaving her girls to grow up without their mother over something she had no control over.

"Rollins?"

Her head turned to look at him from where she'd previously been distracted by her own racing thoughts. It wasn't that she'd forgotten he was there. Considering he'd been there almost every night since he'd driven her home from the precinct that night, he'd practically become a permanent fixture in her nightly routine.

Maybe that was why she hadn't been nervous the first time that she'd leaned in to kiss him. In the past, the thought of crossing that line would have terrified her, but she came to find that kissing him felt like coming home. It wasn't earth-shattering. Time didn't stop the moment her lips touched his for the first time. But it was comfortable, and it was safe. It was the feeling of that last puzzle piece finally clicking into place.

It was right.

It had taken her that long to realize that nothing had to change if she allowed herself to let go of the part of herself that couldn't rationalize how someone like her could deserve to be loved by someone like him.

"Hm?" She finally responded, her face just inches from his when she angled it up to give him her full attention.

He nodded towards the television where the show that they'd been watching in an almost somber silence had come to an end, only to be replaced by the nightly news. "You don't care if I turn this off, right?"

Her eyes skimmed the text on the bottom of the screen.

BRONX WOMAN KILLED IN HIT-AND-RUN

"No. Go ahead."

News of yet another death was the last thing she wanted shoved in front of her anyway. Not when she had spent the better part of the day trying to push the news of Tucker taking his own life away from her conscious thoughts.

With a shake of her head, she willed the thoughts away again and swished the last of the beer in her bottle around absentmindedly. "I'm gonna grab another. You want one?"

"I'm alright. Thanks."

As if on instinct, she grabbed his hand to give it an affectionate squeeze before she stood up from where she'd been leaning against his side and made her way into the kitchen.

For as hard as she tried to stay present in the moment…to focus on the sound of Sonny flipping through channels from the next room and the warmth from his body heat that hadn't fully faded yet…she could shake the heaviness that was settling back into her chest. When she had been the only one in the dark, it had been easy enough to push it down deep. But now it was everywhere she looked. It was Kat rushing into the squad room with trembling hands when she'd gotten the news about her former boss. It was Olivia thinking that she couldn't be heard crying in her office when she shut the door.

And all of that pain and that oppressive darkness was building again…bearing down on her like the excess weight on that unstable tree branch so many years ago. Everything that she had been desperately trying to suppress was rising to the surface again.

The way her heart hammered against her chest each time Bucci would snap and shove the barrel of his gun towards her.

The sound of the gunshot from outside of Tucker's retirement party.

The sick constriction in her stomach when she had gotten the news about his untimely death.

Subconscious tears blurred her vision, and she swallowed hard to quell the sudden tightness in her throat as she opened the refrigerator door.

"Hey, Sonny?"

"Yeah?"

A bout of silence followed as she searched for the words. Maybe she'd just needed to hear his voice. Maybe it was the only anchor keeping her from drifting away into that looming darkness ahead of her.

Her fingers closed around the neck of the beer bottle she'd gone to retrieve in the first place, and she was acutely aware of the fact that he'd gotten up to join her in the kitchen.

"I can't hear what you're sayin' from in th-"

He stopped himself short when she abandoned the bottle and turned herself into him to bury her face into the crook of his neck instead. His arms found their way around her, and she couldn't help but notice the prick of warmth in the pit of her stomach that served to remind her of how lucky she was to have him. How easy it was to be vulnerable with him in a way that she would have never allowed herself to be with someone else.

If only they could have gotten to that point under better circumstances, she thought. The thought of him potentially misinterpreting the trauma she couldn't seem to shake as her being unhappy with this new chapter in their relationship worried her more than she knew it should have.

"Hey…hey…" The sound of his voice was so soft that it took her a moment to register that it wasn't in her head, yet so grounding that everything else seemed to fade away for a moment.

She breathed deeply, the scent and the feeling of him enveloping all of her senses at once as her fingers dug into the fabric of his shirt. "Carisi I…" Her eyes twisted shut, and she shook her head again. "I thought I was…I needed to be…"

Strong.

The last word died on her tongue. She'd spent too much time in her life being seen as a victim. Of her old boss…of her addiction…of all the men who'd treated her like dirt in the past.

"I know," he assured her without her needing to say it aloud. She could feel the entirety of her previously tense body language relax when his lips brushed against her temple. "You are, alright? You're the strongest person I know."

It certainly didn't feel that way. Not when it was the second time she'd broken down in his arms within the past few weeks. But she knew him...and she knew that he would have never said something like that to her if he didn't truly believe it.

After seconds began to blend into minutes, her head lifted just enough to look at him. She found that there were so many things she nearly wanted to say. She wanted to apologize for all the times she had pushed him away…claiming ignorance — even to herself — to the fact that he was developing feelings for her much like she was for him. She wanted to thank him for believing in her even when she couldn't believe in herself.

None of that felt right though. Maybe another time, she considered, but not in that moment.

"I love you."

The three words fell from her lips so casually that she could see him take a moment to process them fully. She had, truthfully, expected her heart to race…or her skin to flush…but much like the first time she'd kissed him, making the declaration wasn't accompanied by any bursts of intense emotion. Maybe somewhere deep inside, she'd loved him for so long that it was more of a realization than a declaration anyway.

"Amanda-"

"Don't feel like you've gotta say it back, alright? I get it." The smallest hint of a smile quirked at the corners of her lips for what had to be the first time all night. "I know this might not've been the best time, but…"

She punctuated the unfinished sentence with a weak shrug. If she had learned anything from everything that had happened, it was that life was borrowed. She had seen it with Tucker. Hell…she had seen it with herself each time her life would flash before her eyes as she stood face-to-face with Frank Bucci's gun.

Sonny's eyes studied hers for another long few seconds before he finally allowed the moment to dissolve with a weak chuckle. It was barely there, but it was as good as she could expect in the aftermath of all the rain.

"I love you too."

It wasn't the first time that she'd heard those words from a man, but she was certain it was the first time she ever truly believed them. Because this wasn't her high school sweetheart, who was too young to have any concept of what true love was…or Al, who would make the declaration just hours before finding another woman to bring into his bed.

This was Carisi…the man who she never could have imagined she'd be in that moment with the first time that he'd bumbled into the squad room in an ill fitting suit while holding a greasy bag of zeppole. Back then he may have been brash and obnoxious, but it didn't take her long to figure out that — much like her — he was only wearing a mask. He'd just allowed his to slip much earlier on than she did.

Being trapped in that motel room — unsure if the interior of those four walls would be the last that she'd ever see — had finally allowed her to shed the last piece of her own. It wasn't until then that she realized that mask wasn't protecting her as it was intended to do — it was stifling her. Now that it was gone, she could finally breathe. She could finally look forward and see something other than endless darkness.

When she looked into Sonny's eyes, she knew that some day that darkness would dissipate. Because only light could drive out darkness, and finally allowing herself to love and to be loved was like turning on the light in a dark room.

Even after the branch of that oak tree had snapped on that scorching summer afternoon, the rest of it still continued to stand tall and proud. So maybe, Amanda figured, she wasn't the branch…but the tree itself. There would be pieces of her that would damage…some that would even collapse completely…but she would come out on the other side. And if there ever came a time that those damages felt like too much to bear, or that they were enough to cause her to come apart completely, there would always be someone beside her to pull her back together again.


End file.
